Patty Coynes

After work today. Going to celebrate my BUSM freedom with a pint at ye old pub around 5:15ish.

Anyone in the vicinity, please come by.

Last Day at BUSM

It is my last day at Brian Utting today. I am sad, I am happy, I am a mixture of emotions and salad dressing. Just had my exit interview, who comes up with these questions I tell ya? I wish Brian could have been there. There were many thing I'd like to have said to him.

I have less and less computer time these days. My upkeep of both of my blogs has slacked greatly because of it. So much billing work to do, which only compounds my lack of real computer goof off time. I figure I'll get caught up on a lot of things after my surgery.

It's been a varied and interesting week. Ly and I went to see King Kong on Christmas eve. What a great movie. It's insane what they can do with animation these days. This monkey was one of the most emotive things I've seen on the screen. And, normally, I think of Andrian Brody as a thin waif of a dude, but damn if he wasn't one hot number in this movie. Peter Jackson did it up. He just knows how to make a good blockbuster.

Christmas was a hit. We had about 10 people over throughout the day. Ly made his breakfast pizza, which was a hit. We drank homemade Irish Creme, ate tons of food (I made my white trash taco salad later in the day), watched a gazillion movies. Santa brought us a good round of flicks this year. We got Murderball, Ong Bak The Thai Warrior, Angel, Season One, and the City of Lost Children on DVD. People relaxed, moved in and out of sleep, lounged, chatted, and basically slothed around all day. It was delightful. Ly had most of the day off yesterday. He didn't have to be to Gaelsong until 6pm last night. So we got to sleep in two days in a row. This next weekend, he has two whole days off in a row. I think we are planning on going out to my friend M's house for New Year's. They live about an hour and a half outside of town. They live on a lake. There will be fireworks at midnight, drinking and carousing, relaxing, and getting out of the city. This will be nice considering the next weekend is my surgery.

M was going to be able to come out for my surgery, and now it turns out she won't be able to. I am bummed, but what are you going to do? I think I have enough babysitters here to go around. Still though, one of these days, it will be nice to have a visit that is just she and I, and not filled with a gazillion other people. It makes me wish my mother could be here.

Speaking of my mother, she was feeling a bit blue on Christmas. I need to call her and see if she is feeling better. Her husband, my step-father, apparently never gets her a fucking Christmas present? How is that? I mean one year, she said he got her a salted nut roll? WTF? I'd be like, I got your salted nutroll right here, now get the hell outta my house. I mean shit, it doesn't take much to make a lady feel special. Do something for Christ's sake.

I have many thoughts swirling in my head about surgery, about leaving Brian Utting. I am here today, and it's my last day here. I've been here 3 1/2 years. It seems like so much longer. I'm very nervous about leaving, and very excited. So many changes coming around the bend. Just hope I'm nimble enough to traverse the corners.

I'm feeling very discombobulated, like I don't know my ass from my elbow.

They came...

So the visiting teachers came to my house to visit. She'd been trying to get ahold of me for like a month - needless to say I wasn't exactly "on the ball" in calling her back. So she finally got me at home. They wanted to come over, last night, which was a Sunday. Many of my exmo friends are like, wow, why? And you know, if I marginalize them, if I behave exclusionary towards them, then I am no different than the treatment I experienced in their church.

I told C, that I would be happy to have them over and chat, as long as they knew I had absolutely no desire to come back to church.

The came over, it was relatively banal, and chit chatty. They asked about what I did for a living, what my husband did. We talked about "The Sons of Provo" (which if you haven't seen it, run out and rent it NOW!!!!!!!! It's hilarious...you have to trust me). They gave us some "Sparkling Cider" for New Year's. I thanked them thinking of the vodka cran I would be downing that night, and they went on their merry way.

They want to come back, and I told them, with some hestitancy, but in all honesty, that they could come back. I told them that my schedule does not allow for regular visits, but I appreciated their hospitality, and we would talk soon.

Part of me did it, because you know, I've finally realized, what I am doing to dispel what I believe to be myths, if not telling them about the way I view the world? They came into my house, if they want to talk religion, I'm happy to. Perhaps they'd learn something, perhaps not - I've stopped having expectations of this. However, I'd like to think, that on some level, I have at least made a few TBMs think twice about a few things.

Tats

Tats
Originally uploaded by cwrubs.

and a far away view.

Both tats

Both tats
Originally uploaded by cwrubs.

Here are both my tootsies.

Left foot tat

Left foot tat
Originally uploaded by cwrubs.

Here is the new tat. It still looks pretty crusty, so I assume the detail will show better in a week or so.

Sex Roles Meme (I like memes, so shoot me)

Androgynous You scored 70 masculinity and 63 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 66% on masculinity You scored higher than 57% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

To the Hound

Do you not realize that it is your job, dare I say "duty", to keep me entertained, well-informed musically, and completely and utterly NOT bored? When am I going to get another post from you? Do not give me that claptrap of "I don't have anything to say, or I don't have some big long missive on the internal rhythm structure of Dalek's new album. (See, I DO pay attention)

I am sitting here at Brian Utting, with only three more total days of being here this month. I have absolutely nothing to do. I really shouldn't be here. Well except for the fact that I'm getting paid. So I am off to do up our checkbook, and to call on a few clients.

Ly, POST.....


pleeeeeeezzzzzzz???????

36 is a good year for Stines

Happy Birthday to my dark birthday twin.

It has been a birthday extravaganza this year. I feel very lucky. It started out Thursday with me getting my tattoo on the top of my left foot. I am working on getting access to a digital camera so I can post pics. Didn't suck as much as the first time, but it still made me scream, swear, and sing loudly. I've decided though, the rule for my life, if needles are involved, I lay down. That, and a big bubble gum ball, and I took it like a big hairy man. The tattoo is so purty though.

Friday night after work, Ly takes me to see The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We come home, and I think we're just going to get happy, and watch an episode of Six Feet Under (we're making our way through the series). We start to come down the stairs to where our apartment door is, and Ly coughs really loudly as we approach our door. I'm like, hmmm....ponderous. We walk in the door and it's dark in the living room, and so I think, cool, we're just going to watch the movie, chill and then go to bed. We come around the corner and someone turns the light on and there are like 18 people in my living room yelling "Surprise!" to me. I think I choked on the mint I was downing. Anyway, it was a lovely party, the exact right people were there, it was just the right atmosphere, and I had a fabulous, silly, and goofy time. Thank you SO much to everyone who contributed for the tattoo and the party. It really rocked my world. And thank you SO SO much to my darling Hound. The surprises and the planning were the best gifts ever. Mouh!

So I worked all day yesterday, and after work, we had scheduled a holiday dinner with all of the ladies at the chiropractor's office, and their SO's. So Ly met me at work and we went two doors down to a lovely little Italian restaurant on Eastlake. Ly had some killer gnocchi with Italian sausage and shittake mushrooms (yummy!), and I had some linguini carbonara. Can't go wrong with bacon and cream on your birthday I say. My ass agrees. So after dinner we are all having nice conversation and then I hear the first refrains of "Happy Birthday". It didn't even hit me until our waiter brings over a lighted cheesecake as the restaurant sings. It was very cool.

So I am sitting here today on my actual birthday, after 3 days of having my birthday, ready to relax, chant, exercise, read - and probably, because I'm me, do some billing and laundry (but not much).

Anyway, Happy Birthday my dark twin, and to those other Vagittarians out there (you know who you are).

Dates, dates, dates...

So my surgery is going to be January 6th. Doc said I should be out 2 to 4 weeks. Now I have to find nurses, babysitters, and nurses outfits to boot. What's a girl to do?

I feel good about it actually. My new surgeon is a real hardass, at least to his cute little residents. I wouldn't want to be one of them. He was reeming them on how they were taking my history - which granted, is more prolific than most, but still. It was funny, I liked his sarcastic banter. It made me trust him. He said there is a 10% chance of another paralyzed cord, but he said that this was high. I told him I'd rather know exactly, than be surprised like I was last time.

Tomorrow is the tattoo. I've had to take a wee bit of Klonopin to get to sleep the last few nights because I've been nervous. Going to bring the yoga straps to tie my foot down, a pillow for my head, and a really good book for Lyam to read to me CONSTANTLY while the word needle applies to my life.

Just got off IM with my mother. She's a real kick ass gal sometimes, ya know. I love my mother. She won't be able to make it to the surgery, but she's sending some money. She came up for my show, and that meant a lot. Of course this means I need to find REALLY GOOD nurses.

Ok, done now. More billing.

Scariest Web Page EVER!

Wow, very scary

- I have more to post later. For now, chew on this link.

Story of my Life

Mormon gif
Originally uploaded by cwrubs.

For the Utah folk.

From turkey flesh...

to the 4 year and 12 day count down to the big one. Yes, contrary to popular belief, and many of Stine's own personal delusions, the purple girl will indeed, one day, turn 40. Don't say it too loudly, k, please?

Ly is cooking up some such something-or-other for the old woman's 36th. All I know is whispers, emails sent in the night, and a little gnome getting a certain birthday card with a certain mandala on it out of my journal when he didn't know I was watching him. So, needless to say I think I have an "idea" of what one part of the b-day will entail. Honestly, don't know if I'm ready for the pain. Hell Ly, are YOU ready for me and the pain? But damnit it all, it sure will be purty when it's done - that's if I live through it again. Pardon my being vague, but I should leave some semblance of surprise for that part of my birthday. I'll post all about it after the 11th. The only other thing I know is that something else is being planned. I know there are women involved. This only leaves me to go, as the great Ly would put it - tee AND/OR hee.

Turkey day went off relatively smoothly. And despite a brief cooking time trauma, the amaretto turkey was divine. The gravy it made, despite my lovely husband's "working 65 hours a week and very *happy*" mishap throwing away the turkey drippings, the gravy was like candy. I gotta say though, I boiled the hell outta the carcass and made a tasty turkey noodle soup. It's turned into more of a stew, but the amaretto has made the base of this soup quite lovely.

In other news, I called up Virginia Mason today. This is the hospital that I've been going to for like ten years now. My insurance has been such that I have to pay 10% of all incurred charges along with my monthly payment that the school "was" paying for me. They no longer are because I'm below the number of hours it takes, etc. etc. Anyway, this is the hospital that paralyzed my vocal cord. This is the hospital that I've given shitloads of money to in the last ten years. Anyway, they sent me a bill, I called them and told them I would need to make payments. Ly and I are poor, because we pay all our bills each month and we have a lot of them. The amount I told the hospital I could pay each month was not acceptable to them. This came directly for one very indignant customer service rep. She told me I could write a letter to such and such administrator to explain why I couldn't pay what they wanted. Two months go by and I get a notice from a fucking collection agency. This hospital sent me to collections for 87.75. Of course, after my MRI in August and all this herniated disk in my neck bullshit, I owe them much more. However, this 87.75 was an old bill. I am still very busy at this point and frankly, at the time, in denial about dealing with it. I finally paid it off - thank you Ly's second job. I get two more bills from the hospital for a gazillion dollars each, and so I call them today to see what payments they have received, what they hadn't, and to tell them that there wasn't any way I could pay the gazillion dollars in one lump sum. I get this chick on the phone, and ask to speak to the woman who I was suppose to write this "letter" to the last time I spoke with someone from the hospital. Note: I started my period yesterday. This woman assures me that she could help me (not that she would have wanted that honor once she knew what was coming to her). So I launch in and my diatribe goes something like this:

"I have been a customer of Virginia Mason for ten years. I have given your hospital lots of money, and most of my doctors reside there. I told you I could pay such and such for this old bill, that was not acceptable, and you sent me to collections for 87.75. I have no car, own no home, have no assets (other than a small 401K), feel free to take my CD collection for payment. I mean Christ, your hospital paralyzed my right vocal cord in 1999. I am an actor and singer, and my voice will NEVER be what it was. I will NEVER do the things I could have done before. I am sitting here looking at 3 editorial letters that are posted and ready to be sent to all the major newspapers in this city telling my story. I'm SURE you don't want that kind of publicity for your hospital. Get someone on the phone who can HELP ME, and come up with a solution that will work for EVERYONE."

Needless to say, she worked out a payment plan with me. I still don't know how Ly and I are going to do it, especially in January when I will be out of work due to more surgery. I get so sick and fucking tired of the establishment gouging middle class poor folk who are only trying to make ends meat. The insurance companies, the drug companies should all be fucking ashamed of themselves. We are the richest, gaudiest mother-fucking country in this world, and we can't even take care of our own damn people. I am SO for socialized medicine. /end rant

It's "supposed" to snow tonight or tomorrow. I hope it sticks...a little. I miss my snow.

Note to self: Must post about dad, soon.

The Devil's Rejects

and other movies I hate. And I thought I wouldn't have time to post. I sit here cloistered in my room as The Beige and The Hound sit in my living room watching this monstrosity of a movie. Seen here:

This movie can fuck off

Now don't get me wrong, in the 12 years I've been with the Hound, my tastes have broadened, and spread their proverbial wings like an engorged vulva...but Rob Zombie, bless his heart, will be shot on sight if I should ever see him on the street. I mean I understand catharsis, I understand adrenaline rush addiction, I understand needing to have that outlet, but this movie, and any like it are so completely removed from anything my body recognizes as human that it shocks me.

And Hound before you go off on me here, I want to give myself credit for becoming a hard-core chop socky fan. I enjoyed Old Boy more than I ever thought possible. I thought Shaun of the Dead was brilliant. But you see, in MY OPINION, these movies were intelligent. They had an intelligent storylines, compelling characters, and suspenseful twists. The movie heretofore not to be named, in my opinion, was made merely to shock and nauseate all who view it. I dunno, maybe it's a guy thing. But my burgeoning estrogen levels as I approach aunt flo time, are saying NAY! Nay to beheadings, nay to bare tittied women wearing other people's face skin to disguise themselves, nay to a big FAT asshat clown freak going around killing in the most heinous ways, and fucking women so hard that it borders on surgery.

Isn't it good that husbands and wives have different tastes? Meanwhile, I sit here in front of the computer about to head to our browser's history for more uhm...gentle vice pursuits.

Whirlwind

I've been so MIA lately. Things have been booming as far as business and billing goes, and the paperwork is killing me. I seriously need to consider hiring someone to do my billing.

We're having a small Thanksgiving at our place this year. It will be the first time in 9 years that I've cooked a turkey. I'm going to brine it in Amaretto. It should be lovely. It will be nice for Ly to have his first day off in like a zillion years.

Speaking of, I don't care if you "think" you don't have anything to say, Ly please make another post.

The closing of the show went well, mostly. I guess it went as well as it could have with the circumstances as they were. Too bad that certain people couldn't/didn't come to the cast party. Ah well, it would have been a nice gesture on their part.

So with all this new business and work to do, my time on the computer is getting less and less. It's getting harder to keep up with things. I'm going to try and get caught up with everyone's blog within the next two days.

Have a good day all.

Is this the future?

I'm finding myself a little lost in my future. I think I'm still in that "I'm doing a show" mode. I'm a little "dear in the headlights", "zoned tired girl", "silly goofy chick" meets "Xena the Warrior Princess".

The mother visit was fairly sublime. I love my mommy. We had a good time. So mom comes the first day and says to me, "I have this movie you need to see." I'm like, "ok, what is it?". She tells me it's titled "Sons of Provo". I immediately respond to myself with, "oh shit".

So I try to think of a deal assuming I'm in for some stoopid Mormon flick. So I tell my mother that I will watch her flick if she will chant with me. She agrees. So Saturday night, after the show, P (the lovely man who played my husband in the show), Ly, my mother, my step-father and I all go home. P, Ly, and I proceed to get happy - yes, in front of the Mo parents. I have long since stopped adamently trying to defend my lifestyle. I'm like, this is me, if you don't like it, don't come and visit. So we're happy while my mother sits there setting this story up for us. This mockumentary is about a Mormon boy band. Now, I'm sure this movie won't be nearly as funny to those of you who do not know the history of the church and have not experienced it's sub-culture, but shit dude, it gave Christopher Guest a run for his money. I pissed myself. P, who grew up Protestant on the east coast, wet himself, and he didn't even remotely grow up relating to it. They have auditions where people sing primary songs. They have queens singing show tunes. Speaking of queens, the two main characters are the biggest queens in the world. They have two posters on their wall at home, one of Ozzy, the other of Donny & Marie Osmond. I really cannot adequately describe how funny this movie is. P turns to me halfway during the movie and said, "I didn't realize the Mormons had this sense of humor." I told him that I didn't either - it's been awhile. The rents and I slept, watched movies, they saw my play, we went to a play at ACT on Saturday night. It was a good, relaxing time.

Considering all that has happened, strike went well on Sunday. Lyam showed up. I was very, very happy about that. I think it only goes to show what a good man he is. He wanted to help, and he wanted us all to be done quickly.


Things are still funky with the "situation", but it would seem that it's not going to change any time soon. I still think it is pure foolishness that we didn't extend, but my opinion is known. My opinion regarding why we didn't extend is quite benign compared to some other people in the cast. All I can do is live my life and wish him happiness. Hopefully, at some point in the future, he will choose to be happy all by himself. It's so tiring always defending against all the elements in one's life. I know this position very well, and am very happy to be able to tranform that way of thinking more often. Maybe one day he'll learn the words, "I'm sorry.".

Ly has been working his little butt off. We were able to send a large chunk to our credit cards. I'm so proud of him(you) Ly. We aren't seeing as immediate benefits from this new job as we'd thought, but I think we will be surprised when we receive our new credit card statements. I can't wait until Thanksgiving. It will be the first day Ly has had off in forever, and it will be the first day we will have off together in a long, long time. I'm excited. I think I'm going to be brave and try a amaretto brined turkey.

The only thing that is constant

is change. And today is a big day of that. I quit Atlas theater today, and I also gave notice at Brian Utting. I'm feeling quite relieved actually. I feel as though I've cleared a big space in my life to get focused, redirected, and sure about what I want to create. It's still scary though.

Other little tidbits include:

1. Despite rave reviews, well-attended houses, and audience enjoyment of the shows, we will NOT be extending Memory of Water. That's all I care to say about it here. If you have more specific questions, please email me.

2. Mandy's visit was nice. Things didn't turn out how I wanted or expected, but I suspect they turned out how they were supposed to. Sorry to be so vague, I'm just not sure I'm currently in a place to post about it yet. It was nice to see you Mandy, I hope that you got a little of what you needed on this trip. I love you.

3. The hound and I haven't seen hide nor hair of each other in many days, relatively speaking. l can't wait until Thanksgiving, which will be our first real day off together. Hi honey, I love you!

4. I'm feeling quite calm and collected about everything today. I suspect this is a good thing. Even if it isn't, I'm going to go on as if it is a good thing.

More to come later.

A little bit of everything

In no particular order:

The show went very well this past week. We had 23 people for last night's show, which is good for a second Thursday. We have gotten two critically acclaimed reviews, and (knock on wood) hopefully the rest of the run will continute to grow. I just have so much fun doing this show. It's such a great role, with such great fellow actors. I simply adore working with them all. I'm pretty nervous though because tomorrow night everyone I know is coming to the show. I just have to tune it out and go to "that" place.

Things at Allstar Fitness have started to speed up. I've gotten 3 new insurance clients within this past week. I think, at the end of November, I am going to be done with Brian Utting. I'm considering giving notice this next week when I return. I'm excited to just be doing massage. Also, if I have to keep track of all this billing stuff, I am going to need those extra days at home to get my bookkeeping and billing done. I'm actually thinking of hiring someone to do it so all I have to do is keep my SOAP notes and charts, and they can do the rest. I want to make enough money to have someone for billing and to have an accountant to do my taxes each year.

Mandy will be here in just over 7 hours. I'm so excited I can't stand it. But it will be nice to come home after the show and have the gang there. I too wish she could stay longer, plus I just found out that I have to work most of Monday, and thus probably won't be able to take her back to the airport. That's ok, we will make the most of today, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday is going to be girl day complete with massages, yoga, tarot readings, good healthy food, attitude adjustments, and the kind of happy banter that only we can do.

So there are some intense interpersonal issues that have happened recently. I'm trying to work them all out in my head. I'm not comfortable posting them on the blog outright, but the question is, how to disguise them enough to protect all involved, but still make my points clear.

Let me just say this, friendship is a very tenous thing. Duality exists in every aspect of friendship. There is a fine line between love and hate, defensiveness and taking responsibility, anger and joy. It has caused me to look at myself and reevaluate why I do what I do. It has also caused me to become much more clear in what I want from my life and what I expect from those closest to me. I am no longer comfortable being silent when those close to me make choices that may ultimately hurt themselves and/or others. It's nice to finally realize that. It's nice to know that despite feeling angry, resentful, pissed-off and defensive, that one can come to a place of clarity, compassion, and respect.

More on this later. For now, the clients call.

It's a fine line

between touting one's own horn, and promoting oneself...

http://www.seattleweekly.com/features/0544/051102_arts_performpicks.php

Good times and bum times...I've seen them all...

and my dear...I'm still here. God I love that song.

Sitting here waiting for my next client to arrive. I just got a massage from the other massage therapist that works at the chiropractor's. She's quite good. It was nice to see the differences in our styles. She is much more acupressure/shiatsu/stretching/deep tissue tracing, and I am much more myofascial/ slow probing cross fiber friction/craniosacral/deep tissue sheering/structural integration/injury. All I can say is thank God I got a massage on opening night because I am NERVOUS as hell. I mean last night, at preview, I started to really get into my drunk scene, went up on a line, and proceeded to cover by drinking more and burping and nearly knocking the set down. I guess in retrospect it was funny, but it felt like "that" dream that actors have where they can't remember their lines and the silences last for YEARS. We/I recovered, but damn it scared the beejeezus outta me. But, (knock on wood) you know what they say, a crappy dress rehearsal/preview, and a good opening night. My fingers crossed, and cries of breaking tits abound.

It's gonna be great, I just can't wait until the party afterwards, then I will have done it with people in front of me, and the rest will be cake. It's a kick-ass group of actors though. I haven't been in a cast this tight and well-honed for a long, long time. Even though their have been some interpersonal problems with the production, I do have to give one shout out to the director by saying, "Thank you for the best acting opportunity of my life."

Ok, off to try and nap before my next client.

And Stine, the line is, "There's nothing wrong with your wife Mike..."

I'm sorry, meme posting Queen but this one is fun

Question:

If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?

Reply here, then post the above line in your own blog.

Don't know my ass

from my elbow right now. I'm in tech week hell. Many personal things have hit the fan in the past week. Don't know if I can post about them. Don't have time to read tons right now, but I hope to get caught up once this show goes up.

Week and a half Mandy, week and a half. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More and more memes(religion)

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 80% spiritual. 80% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Memory of Water show pics

Here are some promo pics from my latest show:



and...



and...

Yes, don't mind if I do

I'm going to do this because I'm SO procrastinating doing my school stuff and all the organization stuff that needs to be done for this show to get off the ground.

10 years ago: Lyam and I were living in SLC packing all our things getting ready to move to Seattle in a week and a half. We were in the processing of quitting our job at the telemarkters (HATED IT!) and closing out all our accounts, etc. etc.


5 years ago: I will in the middle of massage school and working 40 hours each week. Lyam was in the process of putting up the production of his zombie play "Sunken" at Open Circle Theater.

1 year ago: Ly and I were having some "times" in our marriage, I was doing Jesus Christ Superstar and had just started working for the chiropractor. Lyam was facing another season of mirth at the work place formerly known as the Harpie Toy Store.

5 snacks: anything with cheesey sauce, honey roasted peanuts, popcorn, smart puffs, string cheese

5 songs I know all the words to: Time Heals Everything, I Just Wanna Be a Star, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Mamma's Little Sweet (one my mother made up and used to sing to me at night), Mandy by Barry Manilow (so fucking shoot me)

5 things I could do with $100 million: Uhm...pay off all my debts (excuse my while I fantasize), buy a car, buy a house, invest enough for our retirement, pay for enough IVF to possibly have a baby.

5 things I would never wear: bikini, polo shirts, hip hugger jeans, tube tops, no more big saggy baggy dresses

5 favorite tv shows: Lost, Amazing Race, 24, Buffy (when it was on), Firefly and Angel (when they were on)

5 biggest joys: cuddling and rubbing my body all over the hound at the end of a long day, hearing happy stories about my friends and family members children, Buddhism and chanting, when I am in the ZONE and lose time and become one with my clients body, getting a really killer cathartic bodywork session

5 favorite toys: My strap on, my husband, my purple blankee, my little tin, my hoohaa


- Beige, Ly, Rob - go to town dudes!

I woke up to

the news that Lyam's brother and his wife are going to have another baby. I'm happy for them, I truly am.

I am also very, very, very sad. I go for a long spell feeling fine, living and loving my life, and then something hits me and I remember that I will never give birth to a child all over again. I chanted for an 1/2 hour yesterday. I released a lot of breath and by the end of the chanting I was crying. So I got on the floor, started to do some fascial stretches in my belly. I got up to right below my naval (where the bulk of my scar tissue still resides from last year's surgery) and did some cranialsacral there. I just sobbed and sobbed for 20 minutes. It was good, but it released a whole mess of stuff. I have come to the conclusion that I will always process this loss. I will always feel a loss. I have gotten to the point that I can be truly excited and happy for my friends and family who are going to give birth, but I'd be lying to say that there won't always be a place in me that aches deeply.

I also find that many women who have children, don't really know what to say to me when I feel like this. It's not like I really want them to say anything. I guess what I want, more than anything else, is for them to feel grateful for what they have, not take their situations for granted, and just hear me and be sensitive to the fact that there are women out there who have this void in their lives.

Even if I do it in my 40's, there is a child out there that needs me, that I will raise and to whom I will give everything I have.

More memes

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

gluhgluhgugugugugugugggg.....

Afternoon's asscrack
Computer screen is blurry
Allergies plague me

The Beige's birthday
There is much more wiggle room
Things were transparent

It's that guy named Rob
So nice to water poor folk
Where did your chaps go?

Ly, no more naked
Stine's cold walking to the house
The floor romp was gud...


Not nearly as good as Missuz J's, but Haiku seems to be the only way to communicate today since I decided to come into work.

Period Panties & Line Loads

I had to get your attention somehow.

First let's talk period panties. We all have them, well the girls do. These are the panties that are more often than not comfy cotton. They are usually flowered, pastel, white and/or worn. I was sporting mine the other day and just started laughing at my pinkish panties that were hugging my increasingly gravity ridden breasts. They bunched up around my ass, flattered me not, and made me look 20 years older than I am - well made my ASS look 20 years older than it is. I wonder at our grandmothers using rags and those chastity belt S&M looking devices in the 50's and 60's. How many Chanel suits were ruined by such contraptions? I wonder if these were all invented by men. I wonder how many "female" accessories have actually been designed by women? Things that make you go hmmmm?

No point to the above paragraph really, just pondering my collection and wishing to hell I had some money to go and buy a new round of panties so that the mid-line panty troups could be relegated to period brigade.

So I'm freaking about my line load in this show. I haven't had these many lines in many years and there have been vast brain cells gone the way of the dodo since then. I'm pretty much looking at my script in every spare moment I'm awake. I answer the phone at the massage school in a Brittish accent and go over and over key monologues as I type the admissions entries. I spoke to another one of the actresses last night and she's freaking as well. This makes me feel a little better to know that I'm not the only one. It will all be fine, I just need to make these lines a priority (dusting and vacuuming my house be damned).

No point to this entire post really, I'm just playing hooky from my latest project at the school.

Happy Birthday To...

Mr. Beige

Psycho Killers, Qu'est-ce que c'est?

"God Told Him To"

Stine takin' names...

So I just spoke with T at the chiropractor's office. I am official. I just got my providership letter and introductory kit with American Whole Health. Starting November 1st I will get to see clients from 5 or 6 different insurance companies. More money is mo' bettah! Hell yeah! It's been a long time coming. I've been waiting for this to come through for like 6 months now. It's hard to believe that within two months I won't have to sit behind a computer for 8 hours a day, and will get to do what I love, full-time.

I just dropped my flyers off at Allstar Fitness. I met a very cute, and nice guy name Che(sp?). He was a sweetie, and promised that my flyers, once approved by the marketing guy, will get put up all over the fitness center. Next Thursday man, gonna do me some massage and then work out like a mad woman! Steam room, here I come.

So, in addition to this, the Hound got two interviews scheduled for the next week. One is an extra seasonal gig at a call center, the other is at an adult video store. I'm crossing my fingers for the latter to come through. Free rentals? Hook me up dude! So, dare I say, there is a break in the financial clouds ahead? (Knock on wood)

In addition, I've been a barrel of laughs at the school lately. It's just so nice to not have anything I'm in charge of here any more. The stress here is completely lifted, for me. They are going to work with me on transferring to COBRA, and hopefully the money will all work out.

Rehearsals are going well. I still worry that we don't have enough rehearsals, but I think I'm just freaked at the size of this role and that I haven't done anything like it in many years. We blocked my breakdown scene yesterday. While it was emotional exhausting, it was so very fun. Now I'm just in memorize, memorize mode.

Ok, off to worky with me. Later Skaters!

Funny how...

things can be as dismal as dismal can be one day, and then, the next, you get a brand new spanking job at a posh fitness center in a big downtown office building catering to the business class, and many people with money.

Let's here it for intention!

The phasing into just doing massage for a living is becoming a reality. Yay!

posting fiend today

Just started reading about this the past few days. I printed out the 79 page starter booklet and am going to begin learning how to do this.

http://www.emofree.com/

Fascinating Study - Children at risk if their mothers had stressful pregnancy

Children whose mothers experienced significant stress or anxiety during pregnancy have a greater vulnerability to psychological problems, even 10 years later, according to a study conducted at the University of Bristol.

Analysis of stress hormone levels in 10-year-old children has provided the strongest evidence yet that prenatal anxiety may affect the baby in the womb in a way that carries long-term implications for well-being.

The study suggests that fetal exposure to prenatal maternal stress or anxiety affects a key part of their babies' developing nervous system - leaving them more vulnerable to psychological and perhaps medical illness in later life.

The research, involving families taking part in the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children (ALSPAC) project, also known as 'Children of the 90s', has been published in the journal Biological Psychiatry.

Previous studies of animals had shown how stress in pregnancy affects the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, the body's stress response system but until now scientists have been unable to show it affects humans in the same way.

A total of 74 children were asked to take part in the pilot study, which involved taking saliva samples first thing in the morning and three times during the day on three consecutive school days. Scientists then tested the samples for levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Psychologist Dr Thomas O'Connor from the University of Rochester in New York then compared those results with psychological tests completed by their mothers during the last stages of pregnancy, 10 years earlier.

Dr O'Connor said: "We found that anxiety in late pregnancy was associated with higher levels of cortisol in children many years later.

"These results provide the strongest evidence to date that prenatal stress is associated with longer term impact on the HPA axis in children, a finding repeatedly demonstrated in animal investigations."

One theory suggests that anxiety or stress in pregnancy increases the mother's own levels of cortisol, which crosses to the fetus and influences the baby's brain development, notably its stress response system.

These changes to the stress response system may make children more susceptible to a range of psychological and medical problems.

Dr O'Connor said: "Findings from several human studies of children and adults suggest that elevated basal levels of cortisol are associated with psychological risk or psychological disturbance, notably depression and anxiety."

"Our findings point to a possible mechanism by which prenatal stress or anxiety may predict these disturbances into early adolescence, and possibly into adulthood."

"More work is needed now to consider why cortisol should be associated with particular forms of psychiatric disturbance, and what factors accentuate or mollify the links."

This report coincides with the announcement of a large follow-up project with the Children of the 90s study funded by the National Institutes of Health in the US.

Around 8,000 children will take part in the study to examine the mechanisms by which anxiety and stress in pregnancy may have long-term effects on psychological development in adolescence.

Families will be asked to collect saliva samples from children at the age of 14 so that scientists can examine cortisol levels and look at the longer term effects of stress on the mothers.

Dr O'Connor said that the size of the grant - more than $2 million - reflected how importantly the issue of stress during pregnancy is now seen by medical researchers.

He said: "Some scientists have suggested that prenatal stress should be viewed alongside smoking and alcohol intake in pregnancy in terms of its potential adverse effects on the fetus.

Data from a previous study in the United States indicate that 20.9 per cent of the population of nine to 17-year-olds are affected with a debilitating mental illness.

13 per cent are diagnosed with anxiety disorder, 6.2 per cent with a mood disorder, and 10.3 per cent with a disruptive behaviour disorder.

Early adolescence is characterized by a marked increase in the levels of serious and persistent mental disorder, notably depression, anxiety, and substance use.

If we can identify why this happens, the mechanisms whereby early risks lead to later psychological disturbance in the child, it will have substantial application for doctors and the health services.

If it is the case that stress or anxiety in pregnancy has a long-term direct effect on adjustment in adolescence, then that would suggest that we might be able to intervene during pregnancy to prevent some of this."

http://www.bris.ac.uk/news/2005/805
Bristol University
28 September 2005

The Whore Moans

I have a bunch of thoughts swirling around in my head. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the world this morning. I woke up and the very sight of my apartment made me want to cry. I snapped at the Hound, I was angry at my hair for being dirty and me having to subsequently wash it, my neck/arm/shoulder pain is slowly seeping back into existence it seems, our money situation couldn't be worse, and I just feel like a surly bitch today.

I've been practicing Buddhism for one year now - I just realized as I type this, that this is the one year anniversary of me getting my Gohonzon seen and explained here. Funny that I just realized this and that I'm feeling the way I'm feeing today. There are no accidents as they say. Anyway, it's been a wonderful thing in my life. However, I'm still finding myself slipping into those old Judeo-Christian ways of thinking about good vs. evil, negative emotion vs. postive happy lalas. Why is that I have such a hard time expressing my anger and frustration? Why is it that when that anger, sadness and frustration comes out I feel like the scourge of the earth? It's getting trapped in my body, I know that much for certain. Different things I ask myself are: can I feel shitty, depressed, frustrated and discouraged and still, in the next moment, be the bastion of calm and wise serenity I strive for? Why do I feel like my life is one big fucking therapy session? Can one still be wise AND off her nut? Inquiring minds want to know.

Where does the line fall between communication, getting the shit out of your system, being respectful, and creating bad karma? Gah, then, in the next moment, I wonder if certain people I know ever think or obsess about these things. I mean it seems that for some people, these things don't even cross their minds. Some people have told me that it's me creating drama - which it very well may be, and at the same time, I'm like FUCK YOU! Are we all slaves to our biology? I get so fucking tired of people thinking that they know exactly what I am about. I'm like, if you spent half the time on figuring your own shit out as you do on getting into my head, you'd be a hell of a lot better off.

Then, in the next moment, I feel guilty for even feeling half this shit considering everything that so many people in the world are going through right now. I mean people from New Orleans don't even have shelter and possessions. I consider myself a mostly funny person, and often wish I was a better writer so that I could have one of those "make people laugh and be sarcastic" blogs. Today just isn't that day.

/end rant

*I* feel like a Corpse Bride

Yes, we saw this movie this weekend. It was nice. It wasn't the animation extravaganza that Nightmare Before Christmas was, but damn if Helena Bonham Carter's puppet wasn't hot as hell. The movie made me wish I still did psychedelics.

Saw my massage girls this weekend. We actually were able to get together at the last minute for dinner on Friday. It was good to see them. I hadn't seen J in 9 or 10 months. Ladies night is a good thing. We had a lovely dinner of chicken parmasan, fresh mozerella, tomato and basil, garlic bread and fresh veggies. Well, and copious amounts of wine. It's funny how fast a group of women can turn into a gaggle of clucking chickens when alcohol is introduced. I guess we've come a long way since our days of getting together for dinners, talking massage and having fart contests in front of our respective husbands. Good times were had by all.

Had a few more clients at the clinic this weekend. I am focusing all my intention on creating more business there. I actually called a company that I knew had the insurance that I'm a provider with, talked to their HR rep and scheduled a meeting to discuss my business, what kind of massage I do, and the possibility of doing chair massage at their business. I had previously sent her some cards, an introduction letter and a gift certificate for a free one hour massage. She seemed very amenable to meeting and discussing a future working relationship. It was my first cold marketing call, and my first actual marketing meeting to be set up. I figure that after 4 years in practice, it's about time. It's scary though and I absolutely HATE marketing. But, if I want any business, it's got to be done. One more month and I should be hooked up with American Whole Health insurance.

Started rehearsal on Sunday. This show is going to be a blast. I had a great time just reading it on Sunday. After we read through it once, C had us get up and stumble through the show and see what we came up with. This is a such a good role. I haven't had this juicy a role since I played Helena in MidSummer's back in 1998. My memorization muscle is definitely getting a work out. The girl playing my younger sister grew up Mormon. Was married in the temple for 10 years, and only recently got divorced and left the church. This should pose some very interesting questions in the following weeks. It should also spurn some lively discussions between us both. She seems to be doing what I did at 22.

I'm excited for A to visit in one month. Some interesting developments have recently surfaced in regards to her trip, but hopefully, things will all work out. I gotta say though A, part of me really wants to make contact with those developments, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea. I wish you could stay for longer. Aside to A: I'm sorry if I got a bit territorial last night, I just see you so infrequently, I have few real female friends here these days, and it just through me for a loop.

Not sure what my job here at the school is going to look like as of next week. I'm "supposed" to be done training M, and after that, I know that I will be filling in for the front desk person two days a week. I'm also supposed to be helping in admissions, but they haven't given me anything to do recently. There are some other nefarious developments on that front, but it's best to not put them online for the world to see. Speaking of, must call Banya today.

Ok, enough rambling. I'm going to go try and get some work done.

What element are you? (memes)

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What Element Are You?

Well duh!

Past Lives & Bodywork

I've been meaning to post about this for the last few days. I've been seeing L, who is a past instructor at the massage school, is trained in structural integration, craniosacral, and is an all around kick ass bodyworker. When I grow up she is who I want to be as a bodyworker. So I'm in the middle of a 5 week round of treatments with L. She is doing some deep rolfing-like structural integration work with me. She also couples this with cranial, which my body responds to like no other paradigm.

Let me shift and say that my views on past lives, even in light of my Buddhist practice the past year, vary. Some days, it all seems plausible and fits very well within my views of the world. Other days, the idea of past lives seems superfluous at best. Over all, I tend to agree that my "energy", my "soul" if you will, has undergone many transformations on it's eternal quest for enlightenment. If this is what past lives are, then so be it.

So back in my bodywork session, I am realizing exactly what my body is doing at that moment. I tend to have a big disconnect between my head/intellect and my heart/emotions, and it gets cut off right at my neck. My neck, the motherload of many of my karmic debts and reconciliations. Sometimes, understanding the psychology of the bodywork I experience is much more of a curse than a blessing. My mind is comprehending this as I think it, and in the meantime, my emotions and the past cell memory of it all are allowed to remain hidden and buried. I understand that this is what is happening as I experience it. But L, sneaky bitch that she is, sees right through it, and puts one hand on my liver doing some fascial stretching and the other on my frontal bone and does some cranial at that location simultaneously. I lose it. I end up having a big emotional release, and get some of those damn pesky tears out of my system. They tend to like to hide in my liver, my pelvic floor fascia and my throat. After a few moments, L gets me up to walk around. My chest feels like it's 3 feet across, my low back has released and I'm breathing further down in my pelvis than I've done in awhile.

I then get back down onto the table and L begins to work on my neck. She does some fascial massage stuff to the back of my neck and then starts to do some cranial on my goiter. I then go off into that lala land between worlds and float. A few minutes/hours/who knows later, L says to me, "Stine, I'm not a psychic, I don't claim to have any of that sort of knowledge, but I have just been getting some pretty intense past life impressions."

Seeing as how L isn't a psychic and I've never really heard her go down this road in any of my bodywork sessions with her, I listen. She said, "I got this impression of a hanging. A self-imposed hanging in which you were protesting some sort of establishment that wouldn't hear you or your point of view. And how interesting is it, that in this life, as a performer, you are faced with having no voice, yet again." "Stine, how can you have your life AND your voice? That's what you need to figure out."

It seems so pedestrian typing it out, but this whole exchange hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like every cell in my body resonated with what she was telling me. I went home and did a tarot reading on the spot. I hadn't used these cards in many, many years, and they only expounded on what L had been telling me.

So for the past few days I've been going over and over the idea in my brain - how can I have my life AND my voice. I intend on finding the answer.

Politics Meme

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (15% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Which tarot card are you?

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I needed this today...

"One's true worth as a human being is not a matter of outward appearance or title but derives rather from the breadth of one's spirit. Everything comes down to faith and conviction. It is what is in one's heart and the substance of one's actions that count."

SGI President Ikeda

To goiter or not to goiter

: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to have thyroid surgery in January
Or to take arms against a sea of pathologies,
And by opposing end them? To sing: to act;
No more; and by theater to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream:

Sorry, feeling a little dramatic. I saw the thyroid surgeon today. Looks like surgery will be the 1st or 2nd week of January. After taking an extensive history, of which the chief resident was quite impressed, the doc came in. Basically he said that there is always going to be a chance that by taking out this other goiter (which has reached epic sizes and is displacing my trachea to the right about an inch), that my left vocal cord could become paralyzed as well. Thing is, the complications from two paralyzed vocal cords are not just that I won't sing again. The vocal cord movement also is key in respiration and if they were to become stuck closed, I could aspirate and not breathe. I would have to have a tracheotomy Seen and described here for the rest of my life. I would also have to use a speech making device (whatever the hell they are called).

Can one smoke pot through a tracheotomy? Kidding, sort of.

This surgeon, who does all the thyroid surgeries at my hospital, and sounds like he has a lot more experience than the last dufus who fucked up my right vocal cord, said that he thinks that he can do the surgery and there will be no ill effects. Everyone knock on wood please. He would have to leave the portion of my thyroid gland that attaches to the laryngeal nerve (the one that innervates the vocal cords) in tact. This means that there would be a "chance" of that piece of thyroid growing into what this monster in my neck currently is.

Needless to say, I'm scanning the akashic records to see if I can sense where all this neck karma is coming from. Maybe I beheaded people in a past life? Not sure.

Lately, I've been chanting and doing a lot of mental and emotional work about my neck. All I can do is continue to do what I have been doing, change thought patterns, stay focused and intent on creating health. The rest is up to the universe.

Testy testy

The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on
U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be
more difficult than it looks -it just shows how
little most of us really see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day
or have known about all our lives. How many can you
get right? These little simple questions are harder
than you think. It just shows how little we pay
attention to the commonplace things of life.

RULES: Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No
looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using

anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your
answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER
completing all the questions. REMEMBER-NO CHEATING!!!

It doesn't matter if you cheat, actually, because if

you have to cheat, then you don't know the answer, thus,

you've already missed the question. BE HONEST!!! That

means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...

Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change
the number on the subject line to show how many you
got correct. Forward to your friends and also back to
the one who sent it to you.


LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If
not, just have fun!

Here we go!


1. On a standard traffic light,is the green on the
top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't
laugh, some people don't know.)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup
label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have
letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your
right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or
white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't
look at that dial!)

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or
clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right
or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's
missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's
trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord
that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What
2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper
clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

__________________________________________________________


ANSWERS
1. Bottom
2. 50
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black & gold
5. 1, 0
6. Right
7. 20
8. Red
9. 87.7
10. Clockwise (north of the equator)
11. >From lower right to upper left
12. 12 (there is no #1)
13. Left
14. Clockwise as you look at it from the front.
15. 8
16. Left
17. 5
18. 6
19. Bashful
20. 8
21. Ace of spades
22. Left
23. * and #
24. 3
25. Counter

Insert Clever Title Here

Just in the mood to ramble. Yesterday I went to World Peace Gongyo. It's a large meeting of the local SGI members. I had never been to the culture center here in Seattle. It's quite something to be in a room of 200 people staring at a 15 to 20 foot Gonhonzon and Butsudan. Seen here I got a little teary at the sheer impact of it all. In addition, it was a special meeting in honor of September 11th and to chant for the victims of Katrina. I experienced an intense shift in brain waves yesterday, for the better. I need to hook up more rides so I can get down to these events more often. It's hard to do on a Sunday morning without a car. There was definitely something that the cells of my body remembered about getting up early on a Sunday and going to a religious service - something comforting. Only this service empowered me instead of heaping truckloads of guilt my way. We then went to enshrine a new members Gohonzon after the meeting. I'm very excited because this new member has also just started massage school. Yay!

Started my period this morning and so I feel like rolling up in a ball, watching DVD's and sleeping. I just took a nap and dreamed that I was going to be in a swimming race across the English Channel. I swim, but not in races. Anyway, just as I was trying to start the race, the guy that is taking over my job at the massage school pops up out of the water, grabs onto me and playfully keeps trying to push me under. He wasn't being vindictive, but I was getting pissed because I had to start the race and get to the other side.

I'll post more tomorrow, hopefully. But until then...what do earplugs, a blindfold, a feather and two friendly dildos equal?

Fun for Stine.

Go CA

Gay Marriage?

But will it stick?

Things that happened this weekend

Lyam rode his first real rollarcoaster ever

I lost my glasses shooting out of the cannonball full speed at Wild Waves

The resident diver found my glasses

Two of my good friends broke up, probably.

I cried watching more reports of Katrina (most notably the 6 year old kid that was taking care of a gaggle of toddlers)

I hung out with the actress that is going to play my younger sister in The Memory of Water

I made with the happy

I got my business insurance paperwork shit together

I debated with my mother over the governments handling of the response to Katrina

One of my friend's grandma died

I rode a gazillion busses

I took some time for myself

I saw The Constant Gardener (LOVED IT!)

I had sex twice (and it was good)

Feeling a bit

blue today. Maybe it's the hurricane and all the images that I've seen in the past few days. Perhaps it's the onset of fall, or maybe it's the disconnect I feel from the September A-listers (if you're really curious as to what I am referring, email me) here in Seattle. There has just been a sense of impending something-or-other in the air lately. Ly called me a tragic event news chaser the other day. I have been thinking about that, and I've come to the conclusion that I watch and listen to the news when things like this happen to put my life in some sort of perspective. There are other thoughts swirling around in my head, but I have to go try and hook up another computer at my new location in the student clinic. I am now over across the street from the main building all by myself. They are trying to squeeze, me, M (the new clinic manager), and the soon to be clinic receptionist at the off-site space. Pretty soon they are going to have to start hanging us from the ceilings.

Graduate Services

So I've decided to keep Thursday mornings at the massage school. Thing is, I'm not going to be able to train my clinic manager replacement effectively with only being here 2 days a week. In addition, I won't have to pay for my benefits if I keep over 20 hours a week. The reality of it is that I'm not going to be getting more work at the chiropractor's until my credentialing comes through with American Whole Health, and that won't be until November 1st. Things just seem to be changing so quickly. Anyway, I spoke with my (current) boss yesterday and she said that the only way she could guarantee me 20 hours a week once my replacement started to do clinic management full-time would be to take on graduate services. So, for the time being, my title is "interim graduate services coordinator". In addition, I will still be doing technique evaluations, admissions interviews and assisting in that office, human resources stuff, and doing clinic supervision.

I'm just taking it day by day because I'm hoping my neck and arm will hold out. The steriod shot has done wonders and even though I still experience numbness and muscle weakness in my right hand, the pain has dramatically decreased. In addition, rehearsals start September 23rd and I don't want to be worrying about money during that process. Ly is still looking for a part-time job, and hopefully will be able to secure something. We're also trying to financially plan for me having surgery in the next 5 or 6 months. I don't get sick or vacation time, and so we will have to have some money saved up.

I had a really great Buddhist meeting last night. There's just something about chanting with a group of people that makes it so much more impactful. I also think I have a crush on a cute girl who's about to receive her Gohonzon.

For More Info on the Soka Gakkai

. Anyway, we shared a gongyo book last night and it was good. It was very good.

It's finally starting to feel fallish in Seattle. This makes me very happy. I love that fresh, wet rain smell. You can just feel the tiniest bit of chill in the air, and every once in awhile, one can get a vague scent of a fireplace roaring some place off in the distance. I love fall. I love Seattle in the fall. Everything is just so cozy.

Ah memes

Alright, I'll bite:

7 things I want to do before I die:

1) Heal someone by just placing my hands on their head
2) Get another tattoo on the top of my other foot
3) Go on a vacation ANYWHERE outside this country
4) Own a home
5) Have a thriving practice in massage
6) Become certified in craniosacral therapy and structural integration
7) Adopt a child/children


7 things I can do:

1) Twist my tongue to both sides (I just had to leave my hound's answer in here and interject - THANK GOD!)
1) Decrease people's pain with my hands
2) sing Christmas carols after drinking 1/5 of tequila with tree ornaments dangling from my nipples, and have the ornaments stay in place
3) Do almost anything stoned
4) Sing - and I thank the Gods every day for this
5) Draw semi-effectively
6) Listen
7) Make people laugh


7 things I can't do:

1) Bear children
2) Whistle
3) Be a Mormon again
4) Go into any enclosed space
5) Bungee jump
6) Sing like I used to
7) Lie to myself


7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1) A sense of humor
2) Being completely and utterly able to get me OFF
3) A touch of the feminine
4) Nice hands
5) Honesty
6) Being able to laugh and have fun
7) Interested in theater/movies and bodywork


7 celebrity crushes:

1) Clive Owen
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Catherine Deneuve
4) David Bowie
5) Mark Lanegan
6) Kate Winslet
7) Bono

7 things I say most often:

1) Knock on wood.
2) Fuck me.
3) LIIIIIIYYYYYaaaammmmmm(in that whiney will you do something for me voice)
4) Shitballs.
5) Nam myoho renge kyo.
6) Nuh uh.
7) Yes Ly, we DID lock the door.

7 people I want to "tag" to also complete the lists:

1) Ms. Krause
2) Honkybullshit
3) D_Arte
4) My mamma, if she dares read this
5) Ly's daddy if he's around
6) The Wee Katy
7) Anyone who cares to really

Hey Krause

Hound and I finally saw Kiki's delivery service last night. What a quaint and sweet little movie. Seriously made me want to be a witch. I do love Miyazaki's work. You can see how his other work has evolved from this movie. Was this his first?

I can't remember if it was Russian or not, but Kiki is a nickname for Christine in one of those eastern block languages.

Utah Rave Raid & Fascism

Shitballs The Mo's Have Guns

Fucking hell! Saddened, but not surprised.

Punctuation Infatuation

So I read blogs, and I marvel at the skill and precision with which some of my cohorts, my hound dog being one, use punctuation. I swear I missed that week of 3rd grade. I mean I fantasize about the correct way to use semi-colons, but alas, in the end, it is only a fantasy. Ly tells me all the time when and how the hyphen is suppose to work, but in practice, I freeze, grow increasingly obtuse, and end up with, yet another misplaced comma. I seriously long for the day in which I can correctly type a sentence using a semi-colon, hyphen AND parentheses. Yes, I'm sitting here anxiously staring at Shrunk and White's Elements of Style as a large pimple forms on my ass. Opening that book, for me, is akin to a new software program's help section. If you don't know the right question to ask, how the hell are you ever going to get the right answer?

For now, I content myself with grammatically incorrect musings on the human body, and all that can be done with it. I'll leave the hard work of phrasing the language to the writers and English teachers.

In other news, the boy and I went to Hempfest yesterday. About 24 donuts, one bag of popcorn, one veggie burger (all fortified with the happy hemp) later, the hound and I wandered through the sea of tye-dye listening to the "legalize" cry from a number of different podiums. The boy didn't go to Hempfest last time and so I wanted him to get an idea of what it was like. It is true, I walk in past the gate, and can only spread my arms in thanks as I sigh, "My People!"

Ah memes

"We all have things about our friends that make us slightly envious. Not in a bad way, but in a 'Wow! I wish I had that person's hair/eyes/money/relationship/toenails/whatever.' So tell me what about me makes you envy me (if there is such a thing), then post this in your blog and see what makes me envious of you."

so many needles

well the epidural is over. They didn't put it in my lumbar spine however, they put it between my C7 and T1 vertebrae. I was face down on the table bolstered by a towel on my forehead. They draped my upper back with plastic, and then put some antiseptic goo on my back. Then they slipped a heart moniter on my finger and then gave me 2 lidocaine shots in the area to numb things. They had a big x-ray scope in front of the table showing my spine and everything in between. They began to insert the big needle and before they got too deep I had a huge vagal nerve response. My heart rate dovetailed, I got the cold sweats, and I almost puked. They said, well, it's a good thing that you are in the anesthesia and pain clinic because we have something that will make that not happen. Of course it was another shot, but the drugs keep your heart rate up, cut the puke feeling and end up giving you a nasty bout of dry mouth. Once they gave me that we tried again. This time I just chanted and breathed really deeply. Thing that sucked is that I knew a lot of what they were talking about which made it even harder to not feeling nauseous and faint. "Yes, Bill, pull the needle a bit more to the right in the lamina...", "No, not too close to the nerve or we're going to have problems..."

So I just breathed more loudly and tried to go to my happy place. It took about 5 minutes for them to get the needle in place and to drip the steroids into my spine. Thank God it was finally over. They offered to go to pediatrics to get me a lollipop, but I declined saying that I would somehow go on without the sugary treat. I sat up, gathered myself together, and went home. In about 2 hours the lidocaine started to wear off and my upper back continues to ache like a bitch, but they say I should start feeling some effect within 24 hours and the full effect of the steroids within one week.

Steroids anyone?

As much as I hate to be on them in my heart of hearts, the prednisone that the doc put me on yesterday has made all the difference in the world in only 24 hours. Knock on wood by all means. Today is the epidural. A question I have for all mommies that have had one done, before they stick the big needle in your spine, do they do a topical analgesic to dull the area before the stick the big one in ya?

Big Ol' Poor Me Post

I'm finding I'm becoming increasingly more depressed about my neck and arm issues. I am tired of hearing myself bitch about it and so I KNOW others are. I just am at the end of my rope with this. I now have a fairly constant numb patch on my forearm and daily pain. Some days are worse than others but I am still ending up taking at least one percocet a day. I take them in halfs, but that's still more than I want to be taking them. I'm tired of being a slave to this pain. Well I just got off the phone with the spine doc about this continued numbness in my right arm and he wants me to come in asap. So I'm headed to the hospital presently. Updates soon.

Back in my saddle again

Ly and I are back from our oh too brief stint on the east coast. I must say that it has been heavenly being away from a computer for that long. I wish there were a way to phone in posts. My other blog has a phone in option but it's for "paid accounts", which mine is not.

The wedding was a delight. Ly and I looked hot as hell. I can hopefully post some pictures as soon as his father sends some by email. Despite the soul-crushing humidity, the reception went off swimmingly. Dancing, drinks, a large buffet, good friends and family made for a lovely evening. Get this, I even sat talking with my father-in-law and some mafia looking muthafucka (a very nice muthafucka to boot) about golf and the physics of golf swings. Who would of thunk it? I hate sports and golf most of all. I guess the 3 greyhounds I had helped me a little bit. During the toasting part of the evening - gotta love those non-Mormon weddings in which people actually can toast - Ly's mother got up and called Amy (my new sister-in-law) and I up to the front and put her arms around us both. She then proceeded to read a tear-jerking paragraph about sons and the women they marry and how lucky she was to have us both as daughter-in-laws. I only found out later that night that the entire first part of her toast was from the latest romance novel she devoured. It was lovely. I spent a good portion of that evening babysitting the newlyweds 3 year old child. We began with some Shrek 2 (I LOVED Antonio Banderas as the little kitty with those sad-sack little eyes) . The little one then went to the I'm-so-tired-I'm-just-crying-and-have-the-dazed-I-don't-know-my-ass-from-my-elbow look and so aunt Stine picked her up in my arms, rocked her and hummed a lullaby for the next 1/2 hour. It put her to sleep though. It is good to know that even though I won't be bearing children of my own, I still haven't lost the touch. All that Mormon upbringing dun taught me gud.

The day after the wedding Ly and I headed off to Mystic Connecticut. His parents bought us two nights at the Hilton for our anniversary. The day after we arrived, we went out to go "do the town", and as we drove through the tourist-infested streets, we realized a few things: first, we were poor, second, the heat was enough to kill small animals, and third, we spend so much time running around like chickens with our heads cut off that all we wanted to do was go buy some vodka and bloody mary mix, swim, order room service, watch cable, smoke the happy, and fuck. So we did just that for the next day. The rents, niece, bro and newly sis-in-law met us the next day to go to the Mystic Aquarium. Dude, sharks are scary. They also had this spider that had a body that I swear to Christ was the size of a large golf ball. It was the Amazonian bird-eating big ass scary fucking spider display. The niece had a blast though and it was so cute watching her react to the various sea-life in front of her. Speaking of sea life (note to all stoners and cable watchers everywhere) the default setting is ALWAYS Animal Planet. At least that's what Ly and I decided.

We then went back to Rhode Island. All in all, Ly and I spent every day but two in the sun and in some sort of water. That said, my legs still only look as normal people's do. They still, only now after all that sun, look as though they have normal leg color. My back, chest and face look pretty tan though. Yay for Seattle legs!

The ride home was a travesty. I will say this, United airlines can kiss my ass. The last two times I flown with them, it has been nothing but trouble from the first moment. I won't go into the gory details, just suffice it to say that I won't be flying with them again.

Currently I am trying to stop sabotaging my matriculation into my life again. Reality is always a bitch to face when one gets back from vacation. I will say this, Ly and I are very seriously considering moving to the east coast within like 5 years. I love Seattle and it will always be my home, but due to a few things that have happened here in the last year, good supportive family out east, and other factors, I think I may be feeling a transition starting. Stayed tuned.

There much more but the mind is willing, the hands are weak. Ta!

Buh bye!

Off on vacation. Have a lovely week everyone. I'm going to try and stay the hell away from a computer while I'm gone. I'm off in search of the color that escaped from my legs ten years ago when I moved to Seattle. Ly and I are going to look hot at this wedding. I just need to figure out how to post pictures to this here sight.

Red eye flights are good I've decided. Get on the plane, sleep, and boom, you're there. Of course the minute we get on the plane the order of the day will be klonopin, 1/2 percocet for arm spasms, and a cocktail - not necessarily in that order. I'm not an addict, I just play one on tv.

Ta!

An Angel

Went to go see 5 hours of Shakespeare in the park yesterday. Got a lovely little sunburn on my upper thighs. In the middle of the angry pink burn is a blue-white (my previous skin color) shape. The shape is that of an angel spreading it's wings. I'm not kidding. Weird. I had nothing on my upper legs while I was watching the performances, and yet here this is like a stigmata. I have been pondering my next tattoo. Yes, I AM crazy, but I am going to get another mandala on the top of my other foot. That way, I will be balanced - one does what one has to.

This pointless post was brought to you with the intention of fully wasting time and not getting my bookkeeping done.

6 days, 6 days.

Wine/Beer Thursdays

I must kiss whoever instigated this idea. It used to be Fridays, but more people are here on Thursdays and so it was changed. There was also an idea to make a weed Wednesday, but that got shot down - DAMN! I guess one can't have everything now can one?

Just had a massage/fascial session with LC. This woman is my mentor. She pretty much reached the muscles of my throat through my armpit. How many of you have tried that lately? I'm sitting here listening to my favorite Bloc Party song, tipsy after 3 glasses of wine, working on my database and life is good. I do like it here at school. I love the people, it's just time for me to move on. Dr. E just called and asked me if I'd heard from American Whole Health. I told her no, but that I would contact them on the 1st (90 days from when they received my application). She says she has about 5 patients that are all waiting and chomping at the bit for me to get certified with AWHN. Gah! Can't wait. Gah!

So I have finally accepted the fact that I am, indeed getting older. My triceps are swinging dangerously low these days. The booty is still firm, but damn, this girl got back. I will be 5'2" and 105 pounds in my next life. K? God, Buddha, whoever the fuck you are, hook me UP!

I made it work right

My other blog can kiss my ass. I finally made it work right. Yay!

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