I have a bunch of thoughts swirling around in my head. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the world this morning. I woke up and the very sight of my apartment made me want to cry. I snapped at the Hound, I was angry at my hair for being dirty and me having to subsequently wash it, my neck/arm/shoulder pain is slowly seeping back into existence it seems, our money situation couldn't be worse, and I just feel like a surly bitch today.
I've been practicing Buddhism for one year now - I just realized as I type this, that this is the one year anniversary of me getting my Gohonzon seen and explained here. Funny that I just realized this and that I'm feeling the way I'm feeing today. There are no accidents as they say. Anyway, it's been a wonderful thing in my life. However, I'm still finding myself slipping into those old Judeo-Christian ways of thinking about good vs. evil, negative emotion vs. postive happy lalas. Why is that I have such a hard time expressing my anger and frustration? Why is it that when that anger, sadness and frustration comes out I feel like the scourge of the earth? It's getting trapped in my body, I know that much for certain. Different things I ask myself are: can I feel shitty, depressed, frustrated and discouraged and still, in the next moment, be the bastion of calm and wise serenity I strive for? Why do I feel like my life is one big fucking therapy session? Can one still be wise AND off her nut? Inquiring minds want to know.
Where does the line fall between communication, getting the shit out of your system, being respectful, and creating bad karma? Gah, then, in the next moment, I wonder if certain people I know ever think or obsess about these things. I mean it seems that for some people, these things don't even cross their minds. Some people have told me that it's me creating drama - which it very well may be, and at the same time, I'm like FUCK YOU! Are we all slaves to our biology? I get so fucking tired of people thinking that they know exactly what I am about. I'm like, if you spent half the time on figuring your own shit out as you do on getting into my head, you'd be a hell of a lot better off.
Then, in the next moment, I feel guilty for even feeling half this shit considering everything that so many people in the world are going through right now. I mean people from New Orleans don't even have shelter and possessions. I consider myself a mostly funny person, and often wish I was a better writer so that I could have one of those "make people laugh and be sarcastic" blogs. Today just isn't that day.
/end rant
Thursday, September 29, 2005
The Whore Moans
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7 comments:
I think, that in order to truly be wise, you kinda have to be somewhat off your nut. The fact that you consider these things, that you are aware of how your anger affects yourself and those around you, shows that you are an incredibly sensitive and wise individual, and I believe that far outweighs any negative karma that might be created by the occasional angry outburst. You're not creating unnecessary drama, you're just acknowledging the drama that naturally exists in all living beings. You're willing to experience your negative feelings, and that is a HUGE deal. And, even though having a life that's one big therapy session can be exhausting, give yourself credit for doing the work, and moving forward in your personal development. All those people who refuse to deal with their own crap are just going to have to keep doing it lifetime after lifetime until they get willing to change. You are a study in willingness, and you inspire me every day, even your shitty days. I love you.
See, this post A, is why you've been my best friend for the past 13 years. Thank you. I'm sure this mood will pass.
Fuck dude. I'm having a similar day. Money--hair--house--Karma--all of it. Being an adult sucks monkey butt.
You know B, I think there is something in the air. Many people I know have had some real shitty ass things happen lately.
I'm feeling a bit better this evening after a great massage, reading some good SGI stuff and chanting.
Plus, I got an interview on Saturday morning at a fitness center. The deal would be SWEET. I would be able to work one day a week, or two, the rent would be minimal, and from what I hear, the clients are more steady. Cross your fingers for me.
Give Sophie a hug from me.
Why is that I have such a hard time expressing my anger and frustration?
Because we, as a society, have been trained to suppress and ignore these feelings, or to only share them with those closest to us. We have no means of knowing how to process our thoughts and desires during these moments and so they end up idling in our systems where they remain dormant until volcanic-like pressure demands it be let out.
Why is it that when that anger, sadness and frustration comes out I feel like the scourge of the earth?
Study up on the 10 worlds, love. Simply though, it could be that in order to finally get these feelings out, you need to get to this place. Know what I mean?
can I feel shitty, depressed, frustrated and discouraged and still, in the next moment, be the bastion of calm and wise serenity I strive for?
Yup. Afact, you can be both at the same time. It takes some doing, but the short answer is yes.
Why do I feel like my life is one big fucking therapy session?
Because it is. All of our lives are a constant succession of one thing after another, it simply is. Even in the best of scenarios, where everything is hunky AND dory, negative shit will still happen. The goal is to get to the point where you roll with the punches, and not really get bogged down in the negative.
Can one still be wise AND off her nut?
As long by "off her nut," you're not talking about milking your puppy, then sure.
Where does the line fall between communication, getting the shit out of your system, being respectful, and creating bad karma?
Intent.
Wow beige, summed it up in one feel swoop. Thanks for the answers. A lot to chew on.
=^)
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