Thursday, September 29, 2005

posting fiend today

Just started reading about this the past few days. I printed out the 79 page starter booklet and am going to begin learning how to do this.

Fascinating Study - Children at risk if their mothers had stressful pregnancy

Children whose mothers experienced significant stress or anxiety during pregnancy have a greater vulnerability to psychological problems, even 10 years later, according to a study conducted at the University of Bristol.

Analysis of stress hormone levels in 10-year-old children has provided the strongest evidence yet that prenatal anxiety may affect the baby in the womb in a way that carries long-term implications for well-being.

The study suggests that fetal exposure to prenatal maternal stress or anxiety affects a key part of their babies' developing nervous system - leaving them more vulnerable to psychological and perhaps medical illness in later life.

The research, involving families taking part in the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children (ALSPAC) project, also known as 'Children of the 90s', has been published in the journal Biological Psychiatry.

Previous studies of animals had shown how stress in pregnancy affects the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, the body's stress response system but until now scientists have been unable to show it affects humans in the same way.

A total of 74 children were asked to take part in the pilot study, which involved taking saliva samples first thing in the morning and three times during the day on three consecutive school days. Scientists then tested the samples for levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Psychologist Dr Thomas O'Connor from the University of Rochester in New York then compared those results with psychological tests completed by their mothers during the last stages of pregnancy, 10 years earlier.

Dr O'Connor said: "We found that anxiety in late pregnancy was associated with higher levels of cortisol in children many years later.

"These results provide the strongest evidence to date that prenatal stress is associated with longer term impact on the HPA axis in children, a finding repeatedly demonstrated in animal investigations."

One theory suggests that anxiety or stress in pregnancy increases the mother's own levels of cortisol, which crosses to the fetus and influences the baby's brain development, notably its stress response system.

These changes to the stress response system may make children more susceptible to a range of psychological and medical problems.

Dr O'Connor said: "Findings from several human studies of children and adults suggest that elevated basal levels of cortisol are associated with psychological risk or psychological disturbance, notably depression and anxiety."

"Our findings point to a possible mechanism by which prenatal stress or anxiety may predict these disturbances into early adolescence, and possibly into adulthood."

"More work is needed now to consider why cortisol should be associated with particular forms of psychiatric disturbance, and what factors accentuate or mollify the links."

This report coincides with the announcement of a large follow-up project with the Children of the 90s study funded by the National Institutes of Health in the US.

Around 8,000 children will take part in the study to examine the mechanisms by which anxiety and stress in pregnancy may have long-term effects on psychological development in adolescence.

Families will be asked to collect saliva samples from children at the age of 14 so that scientists can examine cortisol levels and look at the longer term effects of stress on the mothers.

Dr O'Connor said that the size of the grant - more than $2 million - reflected how importantly the issue of stress during pregnancy is now seen by medical researchers.

He said: "Some scientists have suggested that prenatal stress should be viewed alongside smoking and alcohol intake in pregnancy in terms of its potential adverse effects on the fetus.

Data from a previous study in the United States indicate that 20.9 per cent of the population of nine to 17-year-olds are affected with a debilitating mental illness.

13 per cent are diagnosed with anxiety disorder, 6.2 per cent with a mood disorder, and 10.3 per cent with a disruptive behaviour disorder.

Early adolescence is characterized by a marked increase in the levels of serious and persistent mental disorder, notably depression, anxiety, and substance use.

If we can identify why this happens, the mechanisms whereby early risks lead to later psychological disturbance in the child, it will have substantial application for doctors and the health services.

If it is the case that stress or anxiety in pregnancy has a long-term direct effect on adjustment in adolescence, then that would suggest that we might be able to intervene during pregnancy to prevent some of this."
Bristol University
28 September 2005

The Whore Moans

I have a bunch of thoughts swirling around in my head. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the world this morning. I woke up and the very sight of my apartment made me want to cry. I snapped at the Hound, I was angry at my hair for being dirty and me having to subsequently wash it, my neck/arm/shoulder pain is slowly seeping back into existence it seems, our money situation couldn't be worse, and I just feel like a surly bitch today.

I've been practicing Buddhism for one year now - I just realized as I type this, that this is the one year anniversary of me getting my Gohonzon seen and explained here. Funny that I just realized this and that I'm feeling the way I'm feeing today. There are no accidents as they say. Anyway, it's been a wonderful thing in my life. However, I'm still finding myself slipping into those old Judeo-Christian ways of thinking about good vs. evil, negative emotion vs. postive happy lalas. Why is that I have such a hard time expressing my anger and frustration? Why is it that when that anger, sadness and frustration comes out I feel like the scourge of the earth? It's getting trapped in my body, I know that much for certain. Different things I ask myself are: can I feel shitty, depressed, frustrated and discouraged and still, in the next moment, be the bastion of calm and wise serenity I strive for? Why do I feel like my life is one big fucking therapy session? Can one still be wise AND off her nut? Inquiring minds want to know.

Where does the line fall between communication, getting the shit out of your system, being respectful, and creating bad karma? Gah, then, in the next moment, I wonder if certain people I know ever think or obsess about these things. I mean it seems that for some people, these things don't even cross their minds. Some people have told me that it's me creating drama - which it very well may be, and at the same time, I'm like FUCK YOU! Are we all slaves to our biology? I get so fucking tired of people thinking that they know exactly what I am about. I'm like, if you spent half the time on figuring your own shit out as you do on getting into my head, you'd be a hell of a lot better off.

Then, in the next moment, I feel guilty for even feeling half this shit considering everything that so many people in the world are going through right now. I mean people from New Orleans don't even have shelter and possessions. I consider myself a mostly funny person, and often wish I was a better writer so that I could have one of those "make people laugh and be sarcastic" blogs. Today just isn't that day.

/end rant

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

*I* feel like a Corpse Bride

Yes, we saw this movie this weekend. It was nice. It wasn't the animation extravaganza that Nightmare Before Christmas was, but damn if Helena Bonham Carter's puppet wasn't hot as hell. The movie made me wish I still did psychedelics.

Saw my massage girls this weekend. We actually were able to get together at the last minute for dinner on Friday. It was good to see them. I hadn't seen J in 9 or 10 months. Ladies night is a good thing. We had a lovely dinner of chicken parmasan, fresh mozerella, tomato and basil, garlic bread and fresh veggies. Well, and copious amounts of wine. It's funny how fast a group of women can turn into a gaggle of clucking chickens when alcohol is introduced. I guess we've come a long way since our days of getting together for dinners, talking massage and having fart contests in front of our respective husbands. Good times were had by all.

Had a few more clients at the clinic this weekend. I am focusing all my intention on creating more business there. I actually called a company that I knew had the insurance that I'm a provider with, talked to their HR rep and scheduled a meeting to discuss my business, what kind of massage I do, and the possibility of doing chair massage at their business. I had previously sent her some cards, an introduction letter and a gift certificate for a free one hour massage. She seemed very amenable to meeting and discussing a future working relationship. It was my first cold marketing call, and my first actual marketing meeting to be set up. I figure that after 4 years in practice, it's about time. It's scary though and I absolutely HATE marketing. But, if I want any business, it's got to be done. One more month and I should be hooked up with American Whole Health insurance.

Started rehearsal on Sunday. This show is going to be a blast. I had a great time just reading it on Sunday. After we read through it once, C had us get up and stumble through the show and see what we came up with. This is a such a good role. I haven't had this juicy a role since I played Helena in MidSummer's back in 1998. My memorization muscle is definitely getting a work out. The girl playing my younger sister grew up Mormon. Was married in the temple for 10 years, and only recently got divorced and left the church. This should pose some very interesting questions in the following weeks. It should also spurn some lively discussions between us both. She seems to be doing what I did at 22.

I'm excited for A to visit in one month. Some interesting developments have recently surfaced in regards to her trip, but hopefully, things will all work out. I gotta say though A, part of me really wants to make contact with those developments, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea. I wish you could stay for longer. Aside to A: I'm sorry if I got a bit territorial last night, I just see you so infrequently, I have few real female friends here these days, and it just through me for a loop.

Not sure what my job here at the school is going to look like as of next week. I'm "supposed" to be done training M, and after that, I know that I will be filling in for the front desk person two days a week. I'm also supposed to be helping in admissions, but they haven't given me anything to do recently. There are some other nefarious developments on that front, but it's best to not put them online for the world to see. Speaking of, must call Banya today.

Ok, enough rambling. I'm going to go try and get some work done.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

What element are you? (memes)

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

Well duh!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Past Lives & Bodywork

I've been meaning to post about this for the last few days. I've been seeing L, who is a past instructor at the massage school, is trained in structural integration, craniosacral, and is an all around kick ass bodyworker. When I grow up she is who I want to be as a bodyworker. So I'm in the middle of a 5 week round of treatments with L. She is doing some deep rolfing-like structural integration work with me. She also couples this with cranial, which my body responds to like no other paradigm.

Let me shift and say that my views on past lives, even in light of my Buddhist practice the past year, vary. Some days, it all seems plausible and fits very well within my views of the world. Other days, the idea of past lives seems superfluous at best. Over all, I tend to agree that my "energy", my "soul" if you will, has undergone many transformations on it's eternal quest for enlightenment. If this is what past lives are, then so be it.

So back in my bodywork session, I am realizing exactly what my body is doing at that moment. I tend to have a big disconnect between my head/intellect and my heart/emotions, and it gets cut off right at my neck. My neck, the motherload of many of my karmic debts and reconciliations. Sometimes, understanding the psychology of the bodywork I experience is much more of a curse than a blessing. My mind is comprehending this as I think it, and in the meantime, my emotions and the past cell memory of it all are allowed to remain hidden and buried. I understand that this is what is happening as I experience it. But L, sneaky bitch that she is, sees right through it, and puts one hand on my liver doing some fascial stretching and the other on my frontal bone and does some cranial at that location simultaneously. I lose it. I end up having a big emotional release, and get some of those damn pesky tears out of my system. They tend to like to hide in my liver, my pelvic floor fascia and my throat. After a few moments, L gets me up to walk around. My chest feels like it's 3 feet across, my low back has released and I'm breathing further down in my pelvis than I've done in awhile.

I then get back down onto the table and L begins to work on my neck. She does some fascial massage stuff to the back of my neck and then starts to do some cranial on my goiter. I then go off into that lala land between worlds and float. A few minutes/hours/who knows later, L says to me, "Stine, I'm not a psychic, I don't claim to have any of that sort of knowledge, but I have just been getting some pretty intense past life impressions."

Seeing as how L isn't a psychic and I've never really heard her go down this road in any of my bodywork sessions with her, I listen. She said, "I got this impression of a hanging. A self-imposed hanging in which you were protesting some sort of establishment that wouldn't hear you or your point of view. And how interesting is it, that in this life, as a performer, you are faced with having no voice, yet again." "Stine, how can you have your life AND your voice? That's what you need to figure out."

It seems so pedestrian typing it out, but this whole exchange hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like every cell in my body resonated with what she was telling me. I went home and did a tarot reading on the spot. I hadn't used these cards in many, many years, and they only expounded on what L had been telling me.

So for the past few days I've been going over and over the idea in my brain - how can I have my life AND my voice. I intend on finding the answer.

Politics Meme

You are a

Social Liberal
(75% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(15% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Friday, September 16, 2005

Which tarot card are you?

The Moon Card
You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I needed this today...

"One's true worth as a human being is not a matter of outward appearance or title but derives rather from the breadth of one's spirit. Everything comes down to faith and conviction. It is what is in one's heart and the substance of one's actions that count."

SGI President Ikeda

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

To goiter or not to goiter

: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to have thyroid surgery in January
Or to take arms against a sea of pathologies,
And by opposing end them? To sing: to act;
No more; and by theater to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream:

Sorry, feeling a little dramatic. I saw the thyroid surgeon today. Looks like surgery will be the 1st or 2nd week of January. After taking an extensive history, of which the chief resident was quite impressed, the doc came in. Basically he said that there is always going to be a chance that by taking out this other goiter (which has reached epic sizes and is displacing my trachea to the right about an inch), that my left vocal cord could become paralyzed as well. Thing is, the complications from two paralyzed vocal cords are not just that I won't sing again. The vocal cord movement also is key in respiration and if they were to become stuck closed, I could aspirate and not breathe. I would have to have a tracheotomy Seen and described here for the rest of my life. I would also have to use a speech making device (whatever the hell they are called).

Can one smoke pot through a tracheotomy? Kidding, sort of.

This surgeon, who does all the thyroid surgeries at my hospital, and sounds like he has a lot more experience than the last dufus who fucked up my right vocal cord, said that he thinks that he can do the surgery and there will be no ill effects. Everyone knock on wood please. He would have to leave the portion of my thyroid gland that attaches to the laryngeal nerve (the one that innervates the vocal cords) in tact. This means that there would be a "chance" of that piece of thyroid growing into what this monster in my neck currently is.

Needless to say, I'm scanning the akashic records to see if I can sense where all this neck karma is coming from. Maybe I beheaded people in a past life? Not sure.

Lately, I've been chanting and doing a lot of mental and emotional work about my neck. All I can do is continue to do what I have been doing, change thought patterns, stay focused and intent on creating health. The rest is up to the universe.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Testy testy

The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on
U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be
more difficult than it looks -it just shows how
little most of us really see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day
or have known about all our lives. How many can you
get right? These little simple questions are harder
than you think. It just shows how little we pay
attention to the commonplace things of life.

RULES: Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No
looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using

anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your
answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER
completing all the questions. REMEMBER-NO CHEATING!!!

It doesn't matter if you cheat, actually, because if

you have to cheat, then you don't know the answer, thus,

you've already missed the question. BE HONEST!!! That

means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...

Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change
the number on the subject line to show how many you
got correct. Forward to your friends and also back to
the one who sent it to you.

not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light,is the green on the
top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't
laugh, some people don't know.)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have
letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your
right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't
look at that dial!)

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or
clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right
or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord
that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What
2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?


1. Bottom
2. 50
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black & gold
5. 1, 0
6. Right
7. 20
8. Red
9. 87.7
10. Clockwise (north of the equator)
11. >From lower right to upper left
12. 12 (there is no #1)
13. Left
14. Clockwise as you look at it from the front.
15. 8
16. Left
17. 5
18. 6
19. Bashful
20. 8
21. Ace of spades
22. Left
23. * and #
24. 3
25. Counter

Monday, September 12, 2005

Insert Clever Title Here

Just in the mood to ramble. Yesterday I went to World Peace Gongyo. It's a large meeting of the local SGI members. I had never been to the culture center here in Seattle. It's quite something to be in a room of 200 people staring at a 15 to 20 foot Gonhonzon and Butsudan. Seen here I got a little teary at the sheer impact of it all. In addition, it was a special meeting in honor of September 11th and to chant for the victims of Katrina. I experienced an intense shift in brain waves yesterday, for the better. I need to hook up more rides so I can get down to these events more often. It's hard to do on a Sunday morning without a car. There was definitely something that the cells of my body remembered about getting up early on a Sunday and going to a religious service - something comforting. Only this service empowered me instead of heaping truckloads of guilt my way. We then went to enshrine a new members Gohonzon after the meeting. I'm very excited because this new member has also just started massage school. Yay!

Started my period this morning and so I feel like rolling up in a ball, watching DVD's and sleeping. I just took a nap and dreamed that I was going to be in a swimming race across the English Channel. I swim, but not in races. Anyway, just as I was trying to start the race, the guy that is taking over my job at the massage school pops up out of the water, grabs onto me and playfully keeps trying to push me under. He wasn't being vindictive, but I was getting pissed because I had to start the race and get to the other side.

I'll post more tomorrow, hopefully. But until then...what do earplugs, a blindfold, a feather and two friendly dildos equal?

Fun for Stine.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Gay Marriage?

But will it stick?

Things that happened this weekend

Lyam rode his first real rollarcoaster ever

I lost my glasses shooting out of the cannonball full speed at Wild Waves

The resident diver found my glasses

Two of my good friends broke up, probably.

I cried watching more reports of Katrina (most notably the 6 year old kid that was taking care of a gaggle of toddlers)

I hung out with the actress that is going to play my younger sister in The Memory of Water

I made with the happy

I got my business insurance paperwork shit together

I debated with my mother over the governments handling of the response to Katrina

One of my friend's grandma died

I rode a gazillion busses

I took some time for myself

I saw The Constant Gardener (LOVED IT!)

I had sex twice (and it was good)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Feeling a bit

blue today. Maybe it's the hurricane and all the images that I've seen in the past few days. Perhaps it's the onset of fall, or maybe it's the disconnect I feel from the September A-listers (if you're really curious as to what I am referring, email me) here in Seattle. There has just been a sense of impending something-or-other in the air lately. Ly called me a tragic event news chaser the other day. I have been thinking about that, and I've come to the conclusion that I watch and listen to the news when things like this happen to put my life in some sort of perspective. There are other thoughts swirling around in my head, but I have to go try and hook up another computer at my new location in the student clinic. I am now over across the street from the main building all by myself. They are trying to squeeze, me, M (the new clinic manager), and the soon to be clinic receptionist at the off-site space. Pretty soon they are going to have to start hanging us from the ceilings.