Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Scrub the Liver & Play with Mandy

So I'm doing a liver cleanse starting on Monday night after Mandy leaves. Ms. Krause will be visiting our neck of the woods this weekend, and I'm tickled purple about it.

I pick Mandy up from the airport tomorrow at noon. We're then going to go to the Always Chiropractic where she will fill out paperwork, get scanned, and most likely get an adjustment. I'm also giving her a massage tomorrow. Saturday we're heading to Olympus spa for a day of relaxation, naked splendor, and one of the hard core body scrubs. I never knew that labia (is the plural labii?) could be scrubbed. We're then going to see Lyam's show. And if you haven't seen it yet, you can read one review Here, and bug Ly for any other review links. Then Sunday we're going to play, and perhaps go see Pan's Labyrinth. Somewhere in there, we're probably going to go see the BODIES exhibit again. It will be peachy.

As to this liver cleanse. It will be for 3 weeks starting the moment Amanda gets on the plane back home. I will be able to eat, protein shakes, some various herbs, as many of these veggies as I want (collard greens, dandelion greens, mixed greens, mustard greens, red, yellow, and green peppers, onions, mushrooms, spinach carrots, cucumbers, celery, radishes, kale, broccoli, swiss chard, brussels sprouts, asparagus, cabbage, artichokes, red beets), and 1/2 as many of these fruits (apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, berries, melons, tomatoes). I can also add in 2 cups of organic brown rice a day, 1 or 2 organic eggs, and/or 1 to 2 3 ounce portions of lean organic chicken or fish. I will also be drinking a shitload of water, and stepping up my exercising.

In preparation for this, so my body doesn't go into total shock, I've already eliminated sugar, dairy, bread, alcohol, most caffeine, and a lot of salt. I will most likely cheat, a little bit, while Mandy is here, but I still want it to be a fairly smooth transition into eating NOTHING that satisfies me. But I will tell you, I already feel a ton different just eliminating the above things over the past two weeks. I mean can we talk poop here? I pooped like 6 times yesterday. I don't know the last time I pooped 6 times in a day. I will say though, I've taken to turning off the sound for those late night Taco Bell commercials with all the MEAT and CHEESE in them. In the last few days, I have had moments of wanting a cheeseburger so bad I can feel my teeth swim. And if you had asked me at the time, I would have been fairly sure I could commit bodily harm to someone to get a cheeseburger.

It's gonna be good though. I'm excited to see what my body feels like all squeeky clean. I'm excited to have more energy, to figure out and feel what baseline is in my body. I found out the other day that the stomach contains more receptors for emotion than the brain does. I think that's fascinating. And also, by slowing integrating food back into my life after this is over, I can tell what things I may or may not be allergic to. I fear one of them may be dairy. I don't drink cow's milk, and I do very little butter. My big weakness: CHEESE. It's quite simply, the most tasty food on the planet, other than lobster.

My hiaku to cheese:

Cheese is so tasty
But it makes me feel pasty
I won't be hasty

(I know they aren't necessarily supposed to rhyme, but ah well.)

Burgers, cheesey chips, and ketchup, oh my, burgers, cheesey chips, and ketchup, oh my...burgers...cheesey...ch...oh....no....

Monday, January 08, 2007

WAX is not your friend

My father just sent me this story via email, which explains, a lot.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix

play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:
the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in >so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold >wax,"yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this!

air removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
I drop my underwear and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to

the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think may pass out...must stay conscious..

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
Propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
Do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water >melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right???

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
who- ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do
I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
My grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny