the news that Lyam's brother and his wife are going to have another baby. I'm happy for them, I truly am.
I am also very, very, very sad. I go for a long spell feeling fine, living and loving my life, and then something hits me and I remember that I will never give birth to a child all over again. I chanted for an 1/2 hour yesterday. I released a lot of breath and by the end of the chanting I was crying. So I got on the floor, started to do some fascial stretches in my belly. I got up to right below my naval (where the bulk of my scar tissue still resides from last year's surgery) and did some cranialsacral there. I just sobbed and sobbed for 20 minutes. It was good, but it released a whole mess of stuff. I have come to the conclusion that I will always process this loss. I will always feel a loss. I have gotten to the point that I can be truly excited and happy for my friends and family who are going to give birth, but I'd be lying to say that there won't always be a place in me that aches deeply.
I also find that many women who have children, don't really know what to say to me when I feel like this. It's not like I really want them to say anything. I guess what I want, more than anything else, is for them to feel grateful for what they have, not take their situations for granted, and just hear me and be sensitive to the fact that there are women out there who have this void in their lives.
Even if I do it in my 40's, there is a child out there that needs me, that I will raise and to whom I will give everything I have.
Monday, October 17, 2005
I woke up to
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8 comments:
My heart hurts for you.
I love you.
I love you too hon. I feel better today. Like I said, mostly, I feel at peace. Sometimes the shit just needs to come out, ya know.
Thank you for responding, it means a lot.
Thank you for reminding me to be grateful.
So glad you feel better today.
Thanks B!
I wanna go wake up my little girl and smother her with love and tears and kisses right now.
I spend a lot of time at playgrounds with Liv, and see a lot of moms who just don't really give a shit. Never get off the bench until the kid is screaming. Ain't fair.
JJ, your'e right it doesn't seem fair when I see mother's who consider their children "accidents" that they just have to deal with. I'm the sort of person though, that has to believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe there is something I'm to learn from this, something else that I'm suppose to give the world.
I sincerely feel for you. It took us quite awhile to conceive Noah and by the time I found out I was pregnant I had already begun to resign myself to the fact that I couldn't conceive and was researching foreign adoption. I was reading alot of infertility blogs and the pain that these women were going through made me ache. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason - and so I hope that you FIND the child that is out there for you, who needs you even more than you need him or her. I wish you patience, luck and love.
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