Past Lives & Bodywork

I've been meaning to post about this for the last few days. I've been seeing L, who is a past instructor at the massage school, is trained in structural integration, craniosacral, and is an all around kick ass bodyworker. When I grow up she is who I want to be as a bodyworker. So I'm in the middle of a 5 week round of treatments with L. She is doing some deep rolfing-like structural integration work with me. She also couples this with cranial, which my body responds to like no other paradigm.

Let me shift and say that my views on past lives, even in light of my Buddhist practice the past year, vary. Some days, it all seems plausible and fits very well within my views of the world. Other days, the idea of past lives seems superfluous at best. Over all, I tend to agree that my "energy", my "soul" if you will, has undergone many transformations on it's eternal quest for enlightenment. If this is what past lives are, then so be it.

So back in my bodywork session, I am realizing exactly what my body is doing at that moment. I tend to have a big disconnect between my head/intellect and my heart/emotions, and it gets cut off right at my neck. My neck, the motherload of many of my karmic debts and reconciliations. Sometimes, understanding the psychology of the bodywork I experience is much more of a curse than a blessing. My mind is comprehending this as I think it, and in the meantime, my emotions and the past cell memory of it all are allowed to remain hidden and buried. I understand that this is what is happening as I experience it. But L, sneaky bitch that she is, sees right through it, and puts one hand on my liver doing some fascial stretching and the other on my frontal bone and does some cranial at that location simultaneously. I lose it. I end up having a big emotional release, and get some of those damn pesky tears out of my system. They tend to like to hide in my liver, my pelvic floor fascia and my throat. After a few moments, L gets me up to walk around. My chest feels like it's 3 feet across, my low back has released and I'm breathing further down in my pelvis than I've done in awhile.

I then get back down onto the table and L begins to work on my neck. She does some fascial massage stuff to the back of my neck and then starts to do some cranial on my goiter. I then go off into that lala land between worlds and float. A few minutes/hours/who knows later, L says to me, "Stine, I'm not a psychic, I don't claim to have any of that sort of knowledge, but I have just been getting some pretty intense past life impressions."

Seeing as how L isn't a psychic and I've never really heard her go down this road in any of my bodywork sessions with her, I listen. She said, "I got this impression of a hanging. A self-imposed hanging in which you were protesting some sort of establishment that wouldn't hear you or your point of view. And how interesting is it, that in this life, as a performer, you are faced with having no voice, yet again." "Stine, how can you have your life AND your voice? That's what you need to figure out."

It seems so pedestrian typing it out, but this whole exchange hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like every cell in my body resonated with what she was telling me. I went home and did a tarot reading on the spot. I hadn't used these cards in many, many years, and they only expounded on what L had been telling me.

So for the past few days I've been going over and over the idea in my brain - how can I have my life AND my voice. I intend on finding the answer.