A Roasty Posty Day

aka "Why is Mercury still in retrograde - I don't care what anyone says, and why has everyone I've come in contact with today been living on Pluto until the moment they encountered me?"

Thing #1:
I've NEVER had a client that I wouldn't schedule for another massage. I had one today. So first off, this dude is about 6'4, about two fitty, sporting a dead ringer David Hasslehoff doo', Tom Selleck mustache, and an attitude. Dude's suppose to be an insurance client. I tell ALL insurance clients that they will need to come 10 minutes early to fill out a health history form, and the insurance paperwork. I'm out at the front desk, where I come and retrieve all my clients before thier massages. His appointment time comes around, no dude. I shove lunch down my throat while waiting for him. As I'm downing my last bit of salad, Magnum PI comes up to the front desk in a SPEEDO,with my card in his sweating hand. He asks the front desk chick where I'm at. I come up to him, introduce myself, give him the paperwork as he curtly tells me he's been waiting in my massage room for the last ten minutes. The massage room that has all the other personal client files I was dealing with for today. I tell him I've been waiting up front with his paperwork for the last 15 minutes. This, of course, gives me a clear view of where this entire session is heading. I lead him back to the massage room, he pulls out his referral and insurance card for me to copy. It's an insurance plan in which I'm not a participating provider. I tell him this, he's say to me, "I thought your sign said you took(name of company)insurance." I very calmly, because you see, I am a very good actress, "No, it doesn't."

He hemmed and hawed at this news for awhile. He then asked me how much my time of service fee was. I told him, he agreed to pay that, and he immediately dropped his Speedo in front of me. My eyes widen horrifically at being Full Montied(and bless his heart I might add), I look him directly in the eyes and say, "You will wait to undress until I am out of the room." He bullies his way into the moment and asks if he should get on the table - I haven't even gone over his intake form yet. I'm so wanting to get out of the room I decided to let him, and then take even more time when I came back in, to do the health history. Remember, we're already starting about 10-15 minutes late.

I come back in the room, take 5 more minutes and go over his history form while he's face down on the table. He proceeds to diatribe me with the "exact" locations I should work, the exact way I should work, and where the problems were. I listened without saying much. I then began the massage.

Long story even longer, I made him cry like a baby. He didn't really cry, but I made him shout uncle more than once. Disclaimer: This is never my direct intention, just a by-product of some of the work I do. I decided not to put a damper on my deep tissue impulses with him. It was an S&M massage, and not in a good way. I think his body finally acquiesced, and his body and I came to an understanding. I finished the massage, and he ended up not having any checks, and only had about 2/3's of the massage's price in cash. He asked if he could send a check to my "office address", and I told him no as the last thing I was going to do was send him my home address. I told him to send the rest to the fitness center. I don't care if I ever get it, and if he calls again, I will kindly direct him to a 6'3, 300lb firefighter LMP I know.

Thing #2:
I rush out of the above appointment, pull out my metro information to go to an acupuncture appointment with someone I was going to start doing trades with. Get on the bus, as I'm on the bus I call Ly and ask him to check my email for me - which I am known to do. He does, and one email is from the aforementioned acupuncturist saying that due to some communication errors (it's a long story, but suffice it to say we both knew when the appointment was, that is was "suppose" to take place, that she had already cancelled on me once before with less than 24 hours notice), she would not be at the office as she wasn't sure I got the email with her office address. I lose my shit to Ly over the phone, and in front of a bus full of strangers. I get off the bus, and proceed to leave her a very respectful, yet clearly outlining my present anger issues at the situation, voicemail. I storm to ACT, grab Ly to go find something to buy that could be ingested (Starbucks, for those who were wondering), and let loose with the pressure build-up that this day had come to represent. By the way, thanks honey.

I am now here, sitting in my dark bedroom, with the blinds drawn, where no people are, debating a strategy for going back out into that vast chaos that is today as we have no food and I need to go shopping.

Ah...

better...thanks for listening

EDITED TO UPDATE

So uhm yeah, I finally made a plan to drag my ass to the store. I got to the store, shopped for about an hour and a half, got to the checkstand, the checker rang everything up, I looked in my purse, my wallet was absent. I had my business checkbook, I was safe, or so I thought. Wrote the check, the checker tried to put it through, the "machine" apparently didn't recognize the check, thinking it was the first check written out of that account (so confused about this one). The machine keeps beeping at me telling me to slide my license through. I tell the checker I forgot my wallet, the checker calls a supervisor. Meanwhile, the 3 people behind me, who all had full grocery carts, begin to fidget and try to keep thier friendly smiles. What seems like a gazillion hours later, the supervisor comes over, knows I am a regular customer because they had taken my Safeway card number earlier, and refuses to put the check through because I didn't have my license. I breathe, say fine, take my check, and systematically proceed to dump out my 2 cloth shopping bags, and leave the 3 other grocery bags in the cart for them to put away.

Actually, at this point, I can do nothing but laugh at the debacle that was today. I guess that's good.